IMAGE IS LOADING, PLS BE PATIENT.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Well okay, like you thought, crying as per normal. I'm not eating anything starting today. I'm not going to be what I was like before. I'm keeping everything bottled up. I'll explode one day. And You, Mr, You. Don't rub salt in the wound. What you've done is enough. I got thrown away like I always am. My friends threw me like dump. My parents threw me away like toys. You threw me away like a dog. Well. I guess this is the life. I really wanted to change to be able to love again. I guess I was wrong. I don't want to live. I'll drink, smoke and cut myself today. Just like the other day. I'll make sure it bleeds more than Fate's. I will. That's all. I suck. You're king of everything. Okay. I made you sound like a matrep. Okay. I made my parents ashamed. I made my brothers hate me. I made my friends push me away. What more do you want me to do to make people have negative actions on me? Tell me what.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Okay. Guys, I'm going for good. I've been pushed away. More like kicked. Okay I'm stupid. No one cares bout me. And don't you people who pretend to be my friends come to me and say OH I LOVE YOU, DONT GO AWAY. All I'll say is fuck you. I'm getting drunk and I'm going smoking tonight. Alone. So? Grounded. Yeah so? I'm stupid to even understand care and concern. Yeah too bad. Well who am I? A living dead whore. Okay thanks bye.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007

1. Is it good for a kid to quit at something if he/she thinks they're no good at ?
I feel that my child should learn to love challenges.

2. Do you believe in constant nourishment?
Yeah.

3. Are you a child molester?
Would Mike Jackson confess at this?

4. When frusturated or angry do you tend to overreact?
Yes sometimes.

5. Should you have regular outings with your kid/s as a family?
I don't want my child to be growing up under a rock.

6. Is it wise to talk to your kids about sex as often as you can in their teens?
Yeah. So they'd be aware of the dangers.

7. Do you frown upon upon underage drinking?
Too underage is a big nono. But drinking at the age of 16 should'nt be too shabby.

8. Do you believe a child should be taught respect at an early age?
Yes cause kids grow up picking up everything they see.

9. Is physical sports an option foryour future son?
Up to you la child.

10. Is 15 a good age to start letting a child become a little more Independent?
15 is too old don't you think? I'd say 14. Whether girl or boy.

11. Do you believe in positive reinforcement?
Yeah.

12. Do you think modern music, movies,or videogames play a significant role on a child's life?
Yeah.

13. If you knew your kid was drinking 15+ do you talk to them and have an agreement if they do it again?
I'll tell me kid to try to stop. Prolly at the age of 17, he can drink all he wants. But 15?

14. If a baby is constantly crying for attention do you give it to him?
We did that when we were kids too.

15. If your kid is honest with you when it comes to going out, should you give him/her more leniency?
Yeah. Even if it's a bad thing, I trust my kid to know what's right and wrong.

16. Should you encourage your child to defend themself, but also teaching them to never pick a fight?
Yeah. Warn them once or twice. They still bully you, beat them up. That's what my dad taught me.

17. Do you think a single parent works just as well as a married couple?
You need two hands to clap to make a sound.

18. You should always talk to your kids about drugs, even if they dont want to?
FIRM YES!

19. Are you a gay couple considering adoption?
The answer is the same as if your mom has three legs.

20. Do you tell them it's okay to quit if he/she put's no effort into it?
I'll force him/her to like it. Even if it happens to be Maths.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Thinking of: Why Bren did that.
Song: I will fly - ten2five.
Mood: Help me recover my love?

So I'm still over at Aunt Nana's crib. Slept over. Hms. Had a family gathering here today. Kassandra's birthday today. Happy 8th, child. So I'm practically shocked over something. I guess la. Cause I'm not supposed to care about it. Till Ahmad told me everything. Only then did I feel the hurt and betrayal. Hm okay. Let's drop the topic. So now, everyone's in the theatre room. Yes Aunt Nana has a room specially for movie marathons like today. There's air-conditioning, sofa, cushions, rugs and mats and a dark room. How cool. Slept there last night. Nice. They're watching Jangan Pandang Belakang. So Jack's outside with me. He doesn't like movies. I pity you, kid. Jack's not his real name la actually. His name's Kieran Aryan. Youngest child and only boy Aunt Nana has. Cute kid I must say. So yeah. Aunty Aida's here too. She brought Iman(girl), Qhalif(boy) and Falishah. Yeah. They're all int he theatre room. I don't care if you don't care. I just like to type. So don't read if you don't want to. Okay? I'm making a new blog. A very own I must say. Only me, Fatin, Brendon and Ahmad will get to read it. It's a very personal thing and these are close people. Maybe Fate too once I start talking to him again. I hope Deela is reasonable this time. God I miss Fate fetching me from school during the exams. Bro, where are you? I want to show you my cool deep scar and say sorry. Do call me soon la bro. And fetch me from school after the hols too la. I miss watching bubble tea pearls explode. And I did miss laughing and smiling sincerely. Come on la Fate. Sorry alright? You're worrying me. I do hate your girlf cos she's unreasonable to you and you're letting her step all over your head. Br, where's the Fate I know that doesn't allow any stepping over heads. So who's going to keep my spirits up now that you're gone huh? Lost a dear dear best friend and he won't come back. God god god. I'll talk to you on your birthday okay? Well maybe by that time, you've forgotten me and we can start anew alrights.

So okay I guess I should go watch movies too huh since Bren's put having fun, Ahmad's got to go somewhere and Shiv no where to be found. Oh and Fatinn too. There are no bookshops anywhere nowadays. Where have all the bookstores gone? Will someone take me out to a date-with-books date? Fatinn? Let's go shopping for books? Hms. I love reading nowadays I guess. So get me a nice book with a nice cover and a Shre's headband and i'll be your little angel.

Well much love,
Tashah<3

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Sunday, May 27, 2007


Saturday, May 26, 2007

My Holidays.

Grounded.
Phone confiscated.
Laptop confiscated.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 26, 2007


Friday, May 25, 2007

thinking of: what he said was true.
song: through the rain - mc
mood: how-do-you-make-a-deep-wound-stop-bleeding-and-tearing-by-itself ?

im sorry i cut myself today. i itched for it. i bought it a few weeks back. the thing was sharp. i didnt notice. i pressed too hard and i could see the white skin. just like fate said. i got so shocked at the blood dripping, i was too scared to move. but i did manage to see the blood flow. it was gushing out. it was kind of pretty. but the wound got bigger. it tore by itself. i could feel the stretch. as im typing, the wound is tearing and bleeding. tell me this isn't the end. i cried so loudly outside the house. only ten minutes later then i remembered to put on pressure like fate used his bandanna. i went it, washed the blood but not the wound. so i used a cloth and pressed it down. slowly reflected and what i did. then i started to cry. i needed you to stop my bleeding for me. hold this cloth down hard as i look into your eyes and make you cry with me. to feel you feeling scared, it makes me smile at a point where you're afraid to leave me. when will FATE introduce us properly? why not? dont say we're not meant to be. i know we are. you're not seeing it yet. one day i'll come back for you. i promise i will. whether you like or not. i'll be in MIA for the mean time. till i really find myself and know who i am, hold my responsibilities, be perfect, i'll come back aacting its accidental. i'll not come for you directly. i want you to see through me. i don't want to lie. i never did. if you're not coming home, i'll come to what you call your home. i will. i want to change myself. i'll change my email, change everything. i'll only appear once or twice. i want you to know i want this. no matter how hard it makes me suffer. i really love you. and now, i wipe my tears with the bloody bloody cloth. so what do i do with your pictures? exactly what. keep it to yourself. i'll be MIA. the only thing you'll know that is updated, is this stinking blog.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 25, 2007

I'm drinking too much water. Eating too little. School is my only meal. I want to burst and splash water all over. I hope the water from my body lets you feel how I feel when it touches your body. Feel my fire. Feel my fight for love. Feel it. I hope you die when you feel it okay? You assholes.

Tashah: Boys are all the same.
Typical Guy: Not all boys are the same. They're different in their own way. I'm not like them.
Tashah: Yeah and my son is the Chow Yun Fat.
Typical Guy: No really.
Tashah: Yeah who said you were lying.
Typical Guy: So, the only thing I'm trying to convey is, I'm not like them.
Tashah: Ha-Ha-Ha.
Typical Guy: You do believe me don't you?
Tashah: No. The only thing that is different between these boys are that the words they use to spray it to break a girl's heart. The conclusions are the same. The key words and phrases stick. The results: A happy playboy and a dying young girl who gets it all the time. So yeah. I don't trust you bullshits anymore.
Typical Guy: Nah don't say that. I'm really different.
Tashah:WAH STUPID! YOU DON'T GET IT IS IT!?
Typical Guy: *Goes silent*
Tashah: *BLOCK AND DELETE*

Girls, learn. If this is just about how your convo with a guy goes, BLOCK AND DELETE before it's too late and you become like me. Keep running back. I'm still running back and I do realise it.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 25, 2007

Thinking of: Jackass.
Song: Peaches - Fuck the pain away.
Modd: FUCK OFF LA CHEE HONG.

Walked from Bugis to Little India. Just to avoid a long queue. Walked from Little India to some stupid Bangla area. Still no cab. No water.

Got fucked of the report book and results. I begged and cried to not get my lappie confiscated. Cos of someone. (It's no use now is it.)

Sat in the cab hoping and anxious to get home to a warm someone I call(ed) my own. But no. I did come home to him. To him pointing out my bad points. And the moment I got home, I was out of breath. I sat down just to look for him but got this email. I could have stopped breathing. I swear I skipped a few breaths.

Brother fucked me for not listening. Mother fucked me for slapping brother. Father is not talking to me becus of the results. Big brother won't even look at me. Who do I turn to?

Silly qn. I turn to my penknife of cos. God, if you really want me to suffer and give me your @#$%^& obstacles to test me, you can just take my life. No really. I can't take this at a young age. No one and I mean no one at all knows how I feel. They claim they do. Tell them to lick the hairs of their legs okay?

God, if you want to know if...

If I can handle you. I say no.
If I can take your challenges in life. I say no.
If I can take all this misunderstanding. I say no.
If I want to live. I say no.
If I don't want to be cared for. I say no.
If I can satisfy anyone at all. I say no.
If I make anyone happy. I say no.
If I like the all the above. I say, You rock for skinning me alive.

Well, this is how it goes. Okay this is it. So much for rings and proposes. My parents still do get divorced. Now I know where I get my habits. I grew up that way. Thanks la ah to all you ucking suckers who make Tashah a living fucking Tashah.

Much fuck,
Your mother has hair on her elbows.
(cry)

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 25, 2007


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Thinking of: Sigh.
Song: Fuck the pain away. (Jackass soundtrack) - Peaches.
Mood: Go away first.

Stupid sucky Emotional Freedom Class. Tapping on your feelings and nerves? Excuse me Mr, it doesn't work for me. I want a brain transplant. Maybe that'll work. So went for the stupid Leadership Training thing. Boring la. It was a mistake la agreeing to be incoming VP. Okay I guess I fell kind of ill in the morning abit. Sneezing and slight fever. Verrrrry slight. I popped a few panadol pills today. Number one, cause I need to get rid of my fear of pills. Two, I want to die early. Hahh. No la. I need to diet. Like seriously la. Really seh. So Fatin gave me a new Topshop blouse. Topshop is just my thing nowadays isn't it. Yeah I guess. So I miss Fate la. Since the fight we had, he hasn't been talking to me. I guess I'm really bad at all types of relationships. Friends, BGR and basically everything. Okay la nvm. Brother spoilt my mood. Okay brother, you suck much. I swear.

Much Love,
Tashah Hantu.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Thinking of: What bag to bring. Haha.
Song: Bole Chudiyan - The people from Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham la.
Mood: Hindustaniiiiii!

Today was kind of silly. Funny things everywhere. So yeah. First was the briefing. We played scissors paper stone. And we had strips of stickers. The winner will put a sticker on the loser's face. Apparently, since I suck at it, I got 12 stickers. So I won for losing. And yes I was the worst player there. So I got this peg. It was virgin red and had a white flower on it. Then we played Bingo. We had to find people who has the certain things la. I won third. Yay man! Hahas. So then I got a badge. I was just thinking of buying a new one today. And the funny thing is, I wanted to buy a lame cheap looking badge. And tadaa, I got it. It's green. And boy, do I mean green. Then it had this chicken without a body thing done buy Paint. So yeah. Looks cheap enough. Hey! It's $1.50 okay! They didn't take it out. And the previous one was 3 buggies (bucks). So tml, I'll be having that leadership course. Gaaaah! Then then, the good thing is, I don't have to bring books for tml and the next day. The bad part is, it ends at 6. Bleahhhh. I guess this is it for today la. I love Azmir sehhhhhhh! Hehhs.

Much Love,
Tashah.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Sunday, May 20, 2007

Thinking of: How scary last night was.
Listening to: Brown eyes - Destiny's Child.
Okay so I went out yesterday at around 2 am? I wanted to go out earlier but nooo. Fate only came late at night. I called her to ask her to sit out with me at the Christian grave. Aaaah! Still gives me the creeps till now. I still have photos of it. Hahaaaa. So okay. Then there was one part where we reading the names when there was this bright lights! I almost shit in my pants. And yes I cried. But it only turned out to be a car. So Fate laughed it off and I sort of cried it off. But what was a car doing late at night at the graveyard? That is still making me pee in my pants. So I made Fate sit under a tree with me. She just wanted to make sure that I was okay. So she told me to pretend she wasn't there. So I did. I sat there on the other side of the tree and cried my eyes out. Fate was having fun with her PSP and my iPod. But she kept an ear on me la. So thanks for that. Then I had the urge to pee. So we had to walk home. And she sent me till my gate. And I climbed up the pipe leading to abang's room and went into my room. Thats about it. The pics are here :




Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Sunday, May 20, 2007


Saturday, May 19, 2007

I really want to turn back time. Please? I'm sorry for what I did and didn't do. I'm sorry if there was anytime at all where I lied. I'm sorry for the misunderstandings. I should have never gotten mad at you. I'm very sorry. I never touched a ciggarette since last year. I just said I did cause all I wanted was attention. I wanted love. I wanted to know you cared. I needed to. I never drank for sooo long. I just said I did cause I wanted to know you actually loved me. I didn't cut myself for a long time. A very long time too. And I just said I cut myself cause I wanted to hear your sweet lulling words. I never did lie about anything else. I don't know how long I'd be able to stay this way. Feeling calm and all. But I'm still breaking down when every girl tells me she loves you. I can't blame them really. Cause you see, your love and your words to even a simple friend is enough to bring her to cloud nine. What more to a girl like me? Ever so sensitive. I can't handle it you know. I sometimes wonder if you're really a human being or an angel sent down to test us all. I really wonder you know? Cause its like you're too good to be true. Well I should stop here alrights. I guess I'm going off now. I need to sit and think :,)

Much Love,
Tashah.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

Love, if I were in your shoes, this is what I would feel. I do try to put myself in your shoes everytime we fight. I just didn't show it. Here's how I'd feel if I were you:

Explanations are not necessary when you know what you've done wrong. Things are going amazing with her. She texts me constantly. Keep each other company while the other is at home. She makes me feel beautiful and worth it. She's perfect in my eyes. She doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink She tells me nothing but the truth. If that's not commitment or dedication, please tell me what is. And yet, there's this other girl. One I can't seem to let go of. One that just wants to love me as badly as Syak does. She's much further away, and a time change named intense keeps us apart more than I would like. She is everything I want just with an ocean in the way and no possible way to claim it. And all I find myself needing to say is sorry. I am excited to be with Syak. Excited to be happy and feel loved. I am just reluctant to let her be my all. I'm afraid that at this speed it is all going to fall apart. This other girl, so content in a letter and voice. As am I with songs and a promise. Much more far-fetched than anything I could dream of. But so utterly enticing. Fickle, unsure, unable to decide. Must i make this choice? Or will you wait and be there when this all comes crashing down? I am sorry that I have turned out to be like all the others. I am a pessimist at heart. I hope either one of you will wait. (Let's think twice of that other girl.)

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

It feels like just yesterday. And when I read those words you texted to me, I'm thrown back into the same time and that same state of mind until I pull my eyes away again. Oh I love you. Will you ever see truth in me dear?

The entire time I felt myself feeling the vacancy that I'd become numb to. It was as if the nerves were being exposed in a cavity. I walked up to the house barefooted. I felt the grass compressing, and the lucky blades sliding between my toes. I could smell the fresh cut grass around me, and felt the need to go in the backyard and sit in the tree house. And at the conclusion of all of these thoughts and tiny experiences, I realized how much I'm going to miss my home when I run away tonight. The place I shed my tears. The place I bled in. The place that brought me through hell. The place where I lied down on the bed texting my dear love sweet words in tiny stars suggesting that we're doing it. *cries* Just like this. I'm missing my home. My nest. With pieces of my past etched in everything.

It's going to be hard letting go of everything I've been trying to escape.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

Oh boy. You annoy me so much. But I love you all the same. Each time you stare directly into me with deep sad eyes and a rowdy face, I want to slap you with joy. I want to kiss you and push you down. I want to bite and play and chase each other through the halls. I remember when we first met, everything you said sounded so intelligent. And now. I'm pretty good at deciphering the bullshit from the truth. Baby you love good. ♥ I love you all the same. And each time you sigh, take a deep breath, and give me that earnest I really wish you wouldn't give me that look, I want to laugh, when really what im saying is I'm sorry I'm so silly. I'm sorry I'm so foolish and girly. Sometimes when I say no, I really mean it too. But most of the time no means yes. But you understand this all, boy. I can tell by your eyes. Deep brown, almost black eyes. *sigh* God help me. Those eyes will be my death. They make me laugh. They're so serious. So impeccably inquisitive and deep. You silly boy. I love you. I love you all the same. All the more. More each day. Daily I whisper your name in the morning Sun. Sunlight beaming into my eyes. Your eyes are the sex. Just like sex. I love it but I'm not good at it. Love you. You mean alot to me. Me = nothing.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

I'm so tired and everything feels so surreal. Its like waking up from a nap before you've even rested. That feeling you get when it seems as if you've only slept one small miniscule moment. Drowsy, pouty, whiney. I'm not ready to get up. That feeling where anything is warm, where anyones arms just feels so good. Just one moment of silence in your mind and the world feels at ease for seconds more. I need your hand on my stomach and your voice slowly easing me into consciousness. I miss you and our old days hardcore big time.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

So life is going at full speed. And i mean it totally. So very fast. So silly so lame. bBut its true. I miss slow nights under the stars. But summers' approaching so we'll have all those. ♥

Just a little foot note in plain English.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

Nostalgia kicks in and it makes my face weary, yet all that peaceful heart loveliness mumbo jumbo. I love you, boy. I really really really do. If I could dissolve you into me. If only. Im re-reading all those notes. All those lovely, cruel, tender things we said to each other. Looking back is said to be a sign of weakness. But, looking back, I realize that we've become so strong. Just hold my small hand and kiss my cheek. Take my heart for tender. Lets wear each other's clothes, sleep together and never let go.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

When all that was real was mangled and distraught,
we had our thighs and lips all tangled in a knot.
Sweet slippery loving, your sonnet danced on my chest.
On october afternoons, you divested me all bare;
on sheets aged many years all smelling stale in air.
Your fingers, they were telling of the barren of my belly.
Our swaying passion was left so unbridled;
when years ago i fled at the face of my rival.
But now, my pretty hands do pretty things when pretty times arise.
and sweet-smelling limbs fold around where I lie.
Once we were callow, all bending and breaking
now, in whispers and moans, we're trembling and shaking.
Oh softly now, you furrow your brow,
my tender touch cures it even up till now.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

I tossed and turned last night and woke up to dreams I didn't want to have but couldn't be called nightmares cause they were so wonderful. I awoke at around 4:30 this morning. I just layed and stared my blank stare at the little dots on my ceiling, trying to form an illusion that might just lull me back into that time consuming daze. I told myself each of my flaws counting by numbers. It made me smile and fall back to sleep for no more than a half an hour. This isn't worth it. What I do to myself. This feeling in my fingers that makes my hands shake and my stomach turn. I feel waves of that terrifying tingly numbness rush through me after every heartbeat. The stiffness in my joints. I want to stretch but I'm just so tired. It feels like the game is beginning again. Like I need my fix. I need someone to hold me, touch me, love me, rock me in your arms and call me baby. It's broken it's emotional barrier and its tearing me apart physically. The whole amount of my insides quivers incessantly. My heart will skip a beat and I hold my breath in fear of each moment. A wave of nausea sweeps me off my feet. A murmur of whispers telling me I've gone bonkers. What have you done to me? I fold, bend, and break in your arms each and every day. And that's how I like it.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

Its about time he shook my hand and welcomed me. The sunrise in my heart was from a lack of imaginitive upbringing. Like saying it was 'pretty' or 'nice'. What damage it could do the the painting in my head. Stuff my hands in my pockets and walk away because whats the point in staying if I give or gather nothing for you right? The light could've burned the retinas from my eyes had the darkness not quickly swept over me. It is not ignorance or evil. It is a comfort I searched for when I'm down. If I see the world layed out before me what type of human being would I be? I need that lack of destiny and fate to keep me groping for my future. Where is my life they ask. I feel around and say 'here here here'. It is all around me. Can't you feel the sharp tips I feel? Bursting and bubbling, and when I die today, fabulous candles will spitter spatter bright bubbly flames all over these walls. My spirit will split the sun in two. Sometimes we need to just wonder if we're on the right path. Me? Oh I am. I'm still after him (:

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

In a universe suddenly divested of illusion and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land.

There are faces with heavy hearts and hidden wounds, piled away in some attic where dust only scatters with the growing collection. If God is real, the trees seem to proclaim it louder.

Politics and religiosity become infused into an awkward battle where strategy and funds and signatures and governors and hippies and God and gays and trees and apocalypse are lumped into the same paragraph as well as the same breath.

The rain is fresh and cold. It sticks to my feet like a wet leaf. The shower is comfortable, washing clean my fears, soothing heart ache of once held dreams, not shattered, but moved, changed, disrupted, and set aside maybe to never be dreamt of again.

I long for that which I cannot have. But there is something greater I search for. Something deeper than this, this is what I see. I am here for a reason, a purpose, to pour out my heart and life and help, encourage, support, inspire. There is something I want, and maybe I don't know what it is. I hope for what I can't see or touch. But do I hope for what I should? Do I long to see the face of what will save me? The answer is a drop dead no. Not right now at least.

I'm not going far enough, trying hard enough, screaming loud enough, moving fast enough, holding tight enough. I cry tears of failure, am I not good enough? But you have called me, approved me. Made me something special and unique, than why can't I just be free from this fear.

I want to let go. I want to fly. There is an unknown, unexplored vastness that you created and I want to fill it with your love, and hope and joy and peace, I want to scream about your love, let the sound dance off the clouds, sweep under the wings of the birds, carry with the cold winter chill and mix with the warm summer breeze. I want it to hit me in the face, hold me as I lean againsts its blow, the hissing past my face will comfort me, whisper words that hold me close against your face, against your heart.

Im lonely here. The wind has died, the air is cold, the room is dark, voices whisper from the corners. Tears are pushing hard against my will, my lasting defense that won't let go that I'm not hurting, I'm not searching, I'm not feeling like a failure. Im here to be something and I can't admit that I have nothing. I have empty pockets and I want them filled. I want to hand out candy to the person passing by and make them smile and pat me on the back and say how nice this person is, how incredible that he would think of me. And I would feel good about myself, like I was special.

Maybe thats the wrong approach. I don't know what to do. I need a hand, a push. Please.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong. But tonight you're on my mind so you never know. When Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it. Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it. Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run. Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun. And much too blind to see the damage he's done. Sometimes a man must wake himself up to find that really, he has no one. I think I found myself last summer but lost myself come new May. A case of finding myself up on the mountain and losing myself coming back down, where it mattered, where there was no home for me. I think maybe if aI had a little someone to call my own, to lie with, to breathe with, I would feel so much better. Maybe if I could wake up right by you and just lay in your bed watching you untill you woke up, and you wouldn't tell me to "get out of here" we'd probably just fall in love all over again at the sight of a new day in your eyes. All of that, all of that. I had never had asked for much, well thats a lie of the biggest kind, I had always asked for everthing, but I never got you. I want a lover with an organ chest and breathing that knocks the rain out of the morning, someone just to stroke my hair and tell me something amazing when all around me smells like shit. Maybe if I could just have you for a second, today has been so terrible, just a second with you, and then I could pack you back in your box and wait a thousand and one days until fate introduces us properly.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007

Thinking of: UNO-ing with you to see you smile again.
Song: Feel good inc. - Gorillaz
Mood: Not good.

Walao. Every girl wants you seh. And I do mean every. I told you once before I left for camp that my absence would just give girls a chance. And you said no. You even said you wanted Syak to go away. I asked how. And you said you'll find a way. Now I see how you're liking her so much. And it just makes me cry you know. You know? You keep asking me the same thing. And I know why. You're wondering why I'm lying right? Truth is I'm not lying. Honest. And I keep seeing so many girls like you. They even say they love you. I guess you get it all the time don't you. Wow you get so much love. All I get is nothing. I guess Syak is perfect. So run along okay? Fyi, Nurul Huda loves you too. She wants you too. I'll move out of the queue la okay? Till further notice.

Much Love,
Tashah bodoh macam babi.


For friends:

Steph ; I stopped smoking and drinking a long time ago.
I just didn't tell you cos I wanted to know if you cared.
I didn't smoke or drink for one year ald.

Fana ; Sorry if I was being too close to Steph okay?
And I do know that I'm not up to standard to be a friend okay.


Yeah see. That's all the friends I have. Two (:

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Saturday, May 19, 2007


Friday, May 18, 2007

Thinking of: Bapak kau.
Song: No song.
Mood: B!tchscreams mood.

So today was quite okay? Had health screening so we skipped Maths and went for this fun thing. Remembered Camp Cheif, Sky. Haha. He can't dance? And he has hair on his legs! Haha. I honestly don't like guys with hair on their legs. So start shaving, Papa. Forgot that my dad doesn't have hair too. Haha. The other periods were boring. Music was full of b!tchcreams. That suggests that Music was kind of boring. Literature was hell as per normal with breastless Ee. Then after that was Lunch. Okay la. I ate Chicken Chop with Mashed Potatoes and BIG BIG BIG LOVE, Coleslaw. AAAAH! I love coleslaw. So then, I didn't like do anything stupid or anything la today. Then went for Music Technology. Was shitless at first la. Then I went to take the drumsticks in the cupboard while Nabee and Mye were using markers to replace drumsticks. Pfft! Then Mr Jamaloes played a thing. Or was it two? Yeah. So the class gathered around the drum set and I went first! Doesn't feel as easy as it seems tau. Nabee and Mye and some other girls from my class I don't even know their nams went too. So yeah. Then Kai Yee showed us something? Then I persuaded Mr Jamaloes to give me drums lessons during the June holidays. He said yeah okay! Hehhs! What fun. So we were all about to leave when we heard a good string of drums being played. We turned as a class and all of us got freaking shocked to see Tae Hoon! Yes Tae Hoon the hot hot tall tall cute cute friendly boy. Fucking cute I swear siaaaaa! Then kan kan kan, we made him play again. Boy was he good. Fucking good bodoh! So yeah. That's about it for today. So now, I'm heading to the library with Kak Fatinn. So okay bye.

Much Love,
Tashah B!tchscreams.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 18, 2007


Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thinking of: Going back to sleep.
Song: Fashion your seatbelts - Drop Dead Gorgeous
Mood: Sleepy and moody.

So I came back from camp yesterday. Got home and no one was home. So I had to wait outside the house. Gaaaah! Then eventually got in and almost pee-d outside the house. I swear bodoh! Okay so I shall tell all those who even bother to come and read what I did at camp okay?

Day 1:

Intro to Peter and Sam.
(Peter Parker Paku Papa. HAHA.)
[Sam Ah Ma Sotong. BIGGER HA-HA.]

Putting bags in the dorm. (Stupid we slept like a can of sardines. Literally.)

Assembled. (Yada yada yada.)

Learnt some claps. (I shall list some down below.)

Played catching. (I fucking swear bodoh! Fun like fuck sia! Emmanuel spiderman.)

Lunch, I served as one of the food servers. (Yes I served for cleaning too. Babi.)

Flying Fox. (Mark is an ass. Belle didn't come down.)

Abseiling. (I swear I could have died. I fucking swear bodoh!)

CRC. High Rope courses. (Again, I swear I could have died sia. Haddy trembled till the whole log shaked. Sissy boy. I walked on a piece of wire two storeys above the ground. I could have died there you fuck!)

Dinner. (Ate forgot what ah.)

Night walk. (Blind folded, Nabee behind me, myself behind Amelia. Had to hold each other's shoulders and walk. Baaaaah! Someone made a ghostly sound I swear I cried in my blindfold.)

Watched and get annoyed at the flying aeroplanes every 5 mins.

Bathed. (Stupid girls dotno how to bathe considerately so the three of us bathed at the basin.)

Area cleaning.

Supper. (I ate a Marble cake.)

Sleep.(Mye slept at the end, Nabee in the centre, Me beside her. And me and Mye had a leg fight. And yes Nabee was lying down in between us. She shouted but we continued still. Haha! And in the end I won cos Mye was laughing alot.)


Day 2:

Woke up at 4.50 am (Nabee woke me up.)

Bathed. (Me, Mye and Nabee bathed at the basin. Yes basin.)

Morning exercise and jog led by Jerer Tan. (No not Jerry Tan. Jerer Tan. We ran in fucking slippers okay! And I was having a stomach ache I felt like giving birth.)

Had breakfast. (Ate Fried Bee Hoon eh? With some fish.)

Sat under Dorm A cos it was raining heavily.

Played some stupid game. (Before that, we got scolded and I swear she spoiled my mood. Sam, I swear you're a fucking ass at times.)

Went for briefing of the stupid Kayaking.

Then we got partnered with boys. And I chose a strong swimmer, my abang Lex. HA-HA.

Carried our kayaks down to the sand.

Then we went for our water confidence. Girls locked their hands with each other and we (I rock at it I swear bodoh! Partnered with Lex. He would save my life if I drowned. HAHA!)

Then we went up and didn't kayak cause we had no time since it was raining, Kayaking got delayed in the morning.

Went up for Improvised rafting. (We made a raft. I sweat a few of us did all the hardwork. And all the fucking China foreigners wasted time and played around. You fucking China people go back to China ah! I'm not being a racist. I'm being a countryist. Hehhs :D)

Went for sea rafting where we got on the real raft. Paddled till the centre of the sea then we jumped in. (Laughed like orang gila cause the big dude He Lin can't swim and its soooo funny we laughed till we got a slap each from the dude who was our instructor. But we laughed more cause we got slapped.)

Then after that, we went up for Lunch. (Sat outside the dining hall cause we were wet. I only remembered eating the Fried wantan [dotno how to spell ah]. FUCKING NICE BODOH THE THING! I SWEAR!)

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Thursday, May 17, 2007


Friday, May 11, 2007

Thinking of: Him.
Song: Promise - Matchbook Romance.
Mood: -

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go
And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last foreverI feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know, You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 11, 2007

Thinking of: Limewire or Ares.
Song: Dangerously in Love - Beyonce
Mood: My mom confiscated my phone and iPod for the night. HAHA!

So okay. I think I'd better be a good girl from now onwards. No more swearing at Mom. No more going out without telling. No more bad thoughts. I got my iPod video yay! Nver knew how confusing it could be yeah. But Mom, I'm still not studying. HAHA! Okay so last night, I went to watch SpiderMan 3. Yes again. Never gets boring watching it. And yes I did cry at the sad parts! I have feelings if you guys didn't know. Well, ima go run along now and go figure out the itunes thing (: Alrights bye. Enjoy the song. Pfft!


Much Love,
Tashah Hates You.
Except You.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 11, 2007


Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Thinking of: How to put in songs into the iPod video when you don't have songs in the com.
Song: Last night - P Diddy feat Keyshia Cole.
Mood: I'm feeling soooo hot! FAN PLEASE!

Okay so recently these few days, I've been blogging for like every two days once. Like hm. Coincidental. Well today, I have a valid reason. I didn't blog on Sunday cause I went out with familyyyyy to get my iPod. So yesterday I didn't blog cause Daddy brought the laptop to work to fix it cos of the stupid "Photo Album" virus fucken people send. So its back home and working good. So Didi will be getting his laptop by tml and this laptop would be mine! Ah yeah man! So I can't wait for tml. My iPod videoooo! Come to mama, baby. I think, I'm going to name my iPod Annette. Haha lame. I'm bored. So the first few songs I want in Annette is uh:

DONE BAYBEH! (:



More to come soon yeahhhh?

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 08, 2007


Friday, May 4, 2007

Thinking of: AZURA MICHELLE & PHIQUE RYAN.
Song: Because of you - Ne-Yo.
Mood: I miss him alotttttttt.

Okay sorry for not blogging yesterday Was at school, got home and got ready to go VivoCity. yeah and I only got home at like 11? So got home and practically slept ah. Well today's Malay paper like uh suck. I'm so going to faillllll I swear. So then had to cancel going out. He had parent meeting session. So planned to go out tomorrow. Then I have to go do some fuck baby-sitting cos maid's on off tomorrow. Stupid. No other day ah? Ah that's all I think. Okay byes.

Much Love
I miss you, Love.
TSY.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Friday, May 04, 2007


Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Thinking of: Left or Right?
Song: Lucky - Britney Spears.
Mood: Do I look like I'm in the mood.

Had a lame exam today. English. Was kind of easy for me? I chose the stinking one word question for compo. Lies. That was the title. Personal recount I guess. I wanted to write more if it wasn't for the word limit and teachers reading thing. I swore I wanted to have written more. Okay no telling. I cried abit while writing it(: o then it all ended at 10.30 and I ran away from Science. Pfft! Science? Who cares?

Went to uh some place for my own. Was kind of soothing? Walking walking. Pretending it all.

You see, I used to think I had the freaking answer to everything, but now I know, life doesn't go my way. All I need is time. Just one moment to listen to me. I'm not a small girl like I was, don't protect me. It's time that I learn to face up to this on my own. I think I've seen more than what you see me looking at to tell me to close my eyes.

I just fall down to your feet everytime I see your texts and I re-read all that we had before. It just makes me cry. Sorry for being stubborn, I was just born that way.




EH BABI, KU NAK CAKAP AKU TIPU? EH PUKIMAK.YOURE SO UGLY ANDREW DOESNT WANT YOU. YOU DONT WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM COS YOU KNOW YOURE UGLY AND YOU DONT WANT TO FEEL EMBARASSED. YOU STILL DARE SAY I LIE? EY BITCH. I WENT OUT WITH HIM BEFORE OKAY? I DONT NEED TO BE LIKE YOU. I SWEAR, ONE MORE FUCKING RANT I HEAR FROM YOUR BULLSHIT MOUTH, I'M GOING TO WIPE YOUR FACE CLEAN OKAY YOU MOTHERFUCKER? DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT. I DON'T CARE IF YOU GT FUCKING BACK UP. IM NOT AFRAID COS I'M NOT IN THE WRONG. PEOPLE TELL ME YOU'RE FUCKING UGLY THATS WHY YOUR DP IS ALWAYS AKU LOVE TEARAA. EH HELLO WOMAN? LOOK AT YOURSLF IN THE MIRROR BEFORE SAY PEOPLE CAN? YOU SAY I TALK BEHIND YOUR BACK WHEN I DINT? EH KANINABEICHEEBYE! NOW YOURE TALKING BEHIND MY BACK? WHAT YOU THINK YOURE GAINING FROM THIS ALL? YOU SAY I PALE? AND WHATS THAT SUPPOSSEDTO MAKE ME FEEL? SAD? PFFT! AND THEN YOU SAY I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY? FOR WHAT IN THE WORLD? FOR LOOKING SO PALE? WOMAN, AT LEAST I DONT HAV FREND WHO PRETEND LIKE YOURS DO. I PITY YOU AT TIMES. YOU THINK YOURE SO STRONG, WHEN EVEN MAISARAH, YOUR FUCKEN BEST FRIEND CALLS YOU GENDUT BEHIND YOUR BACK. HAHA. YOU ASSFACE. TALK TO ME TO MY FACE AH BABI!

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Tuesday, May 1, 2007

" Tha m0re i see u sad, the weaker my heart gets. Tha more we fight, the m0re closer our b0nds get. I love you!"
" Would you be mine forever sayang?"
" Huhu, frm a rand0m friend frm fs. To a likeable friend. To a crush. To love. And nw together forever."
" Aww! 20320! Ill keep those dates in my heart forever! Gosh, syg. Ur tha gal ivebeen lo0king for. N its sweet that u rmb! Tha very first time we talke!"
" Yes darling. Ur like one piece of a rare gem. Hardly cld be found. One in a milli0n! I love you heaps sayang! U have that character in u that ive been l0oking for."
" U no, uve got me always. I want u, i wana be ur everything. Everytime i close my eyes, i see u in my mind. My heart beats ur name sayang."

I can go on forever.

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Thinking of: What went wrong and what could be done.
Song: Over it - Katharine McPhee.
Mood: Hug me cos I'm crying and bleeding.

Sorry I didn't blog for 3 days. Was kinda bummed about so many things. Hm. Don't ask me if I'm okay when you know I'm not. I guess this song is really good? But I don't think I'm over it at all. You feel that everybody doesn't like seeing you and him together. Everyone is trying to seperate you. You get called a flirt, a bitch, a slut, a cunt and yet you love him. You really want to say sorry but you missed the chance because you were too angry. Then you lose him. You feel like you could have loved that someone so much more in the past and suddenly, the moment's gone. Then things end so suddenly and you have no say for your rights? And you feel stupid and spied on. Then he's gone for forever. You start to listen to sad songs the whole week and you cry and lock yourself up te whole day. No food to eat and too much to think of to sleep. Your eyelids are heavy but you won't want to miss a second of life to think of ways to apologize though you know he's never coming back. And you know you'd never find someone like him. You bleed on the inside and you're always hurt on the outside. You are then forced to think hell is a place called home. I can't help but taking my hobby to a higher level. I never knew knives were heavy.

I don't know what I did this time. But i'm pretty honest with my mind. You know somebody's lying. And then, he said, she said. But it doesn't matter in the end. People want what we've got and we just laugh itoff cause they don't know what we've been through.

Its just been the couple of days that I can't honour. I still remember the day when you called me your sweetest. When we had our own little places. Cause you there's no wrong way to have your little nose nuzzles. And now its all gone down the drain, you can't fish it back out. Someone's killed, murdered, tore away your forever and you'll never get it back. You know you want things to go back to normal again. You look yourself in the mirror to see this little girl crying without knowing the true meanings of life. You see her internaly dying. You know she's feeling down and she know's this is not what love's about. And then you feel her story running through you. She wakes up with a whisper of a love's name. And in the night, she ends up screaming fighting with the people called "family". You know they're not true to her but she's holding on pretending she's strong. Again and again she tried. Yet over and over they lied. And she starts crying everytime. Then it starts raining on her. She begs for Him to take away her pain. She doesn't want to live; doesn't want to breathe. She hugs her pillow everytime late at night. And everything everywhere doens't feel right. She tosses and turns finding the right warm spot to rest in. She wants to burn and break down these walls. She doesn't want to fuel this fire anymore and she knows nobody trusts her. Nobody wants her. Nobody likes her. Nobody feels her. Except for that one person who has changed her in a matter of days. She can't sleep at night and you wonder why she almost gave her life. You pity her and you can't do anything cause that person you see in the mirror is you.

End//

Tashah so melodramatic la. Stop it eh?
Tuesday, May 01, 2007